Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Stool Pigeon

They say a bird in hand is worth two in a bush. Bullshit! I do not want a bird anywhere near me, and certainly not in my hands. Don't get me wrong, I love birds, especially when they are cooked properly. Just that I have a problem with pigeons.It will probably go down in history that our man Sritanu was as brave as a tiger, but he did his best to avoid pigeons in all forms,shapes and sizes.

Lest anyone think that I am scared of pigeons, let me put the fact straight. I am not scared. I am terrified, petrified, mortified by them! Especially when they sneak into a room through an open window and then struggle to find their way out,their wings flapping with that scary sound that breaks me into a cold sweat every time I hear it.

Take today morning for example. I wake up to this sound emanating right behind me.One of those blasted birds had come inside the room and was stuck in the curtains.If there was a world record for the longest jump from a supine position, I would have beaten it by miles.Only if this was an event at the Olympics, India would never have to worry about not winning medals at all.
In a split second not only was I wide awake, but standing in the other corner of the room trembling from head to toe.The flutter-flutter of those wings continue in full volume.I arm myself with a broomstick and pick up my bed sheet. A new age gladiator ready to take on the scourge of the aves.

I gingerly try and slide the window open, hoping that the blasted bird will fly away. Mistake! The window opens a bit, but the bird gets released from the curtain and starts flying frantically around the room. I manage to turn the fan off and go and hide in the bathroom.Lets call it a strategic retreat.

Once my heartbeat comes down to normal, I brace myself for the next round.Summoning all the courage I had, I peep into the room. The pigeon has nicely perched on the curtain rod looking very pleased with itself.It looks towards me and smirks. Bastard! I shake my broom towards the bird. It calmly poops on my bed.

This was war now. No holds barred. It would either be the bird or me in this room. I leave the room and go into the kitchen hunting for air rifles,bazookas, missile launchers, hand grenades,anything I can find. No luck! I settle for a steel plate and a spoon. I start hitting the plate hard with the spoon, hoping to scare the pigeon away. The damn thing starts tap dancing to the tune.

I go back to my first choice of weapons. I pick up the broom and mange to open the window a bit further,gingerly keeping a watch out in case the bird tried to attack me. It shifts a bit to tease me, but doesn't fly out. I drop the broom in disgust and just stand silently observing the evil thing. Suddenly it makes a move and flies diagonally across the room, giving me a heart attack in the process. I fall down backwards and watch my life flash in front of my eyes in slow motion.
The bird circles over my head a couple of times and suddenly flies out of the window. I am half dead by then. I stay frozen for sometime in the same position before managing to get up and close the window.I swear I hear some pigeons having a good laugh in the background. Must be my visitor regaling his friends about what happened just now. I ignore them. Maintaining a stiff upper lip is the only way to deal with these beings.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The return of the Jade(d)-i

Joy to the world, my laptop is back! The blasted blue screen of death had put me out of action for quite some time, but thankfully the evil has been vanquished and here I am, more than ready to continue spreading my garbage into blogosphere!

Several thousand bucks lighter in the pocket, but managed to recover all my data thankfully, and save the hard drive! Two important lessons learnt from this :- 1)Always create backups of the data you don't want to lose at any cost 2)You are 26 years old...STOP surfing for random porn on the net you pervert!

Anyways...lappie is back, and I get to wiki and blog as much as I want again. The net connection sux, but at least I am able to browse in fits and starts.They have blocked the Internet at office (death to the @#$%# insensitive louts who came up with that idea) and I was getting withdrawal pangs like crazy when the lappie had gone for repairs. Life is seriously sadder than ever in office now. I mean one of the very few sites that opens now is this. Gimme a break!! Yes..I know I work for a bank...go figure out for yourself how much I love my job :P

Managed to settle my credit card bills at last sometime back. Nearly 90% of the bonus I had received got wiped out at one go. Pinched like hell to see all that money being debited from my bank account, but at least I'm debt free now.The collection agents who were getting ready with their arsenal to come at me have been called back. I swear I heard this tough looking guy mutter 'Baach gaya Saala' as I was crossing the street one day. Too bad guys...better luck next time. Go bash up someone else if you have to! (For those uninitiated with the sorrows of my life... my credit card bills had touched 6 digits...please don't ask me how!)

Shifted to a new place...again! 4th time in the span of an year...and that's not counting the stop gap arrangements at bro's place while I was shifting from one pigeon hole to the other. Methinks I was a gypsy in my past life. I just can't stay put at one place for too long. And just in case you are wondering... I am most probably again shifting in December. :D

Have started travelling by local train full time to and fro office... the horrors of it I shall describe one day, but tis not the time. I bet the Britishers would have fled earlier had they seen the aggression our people display while boarding and unboarding from the local trains in Mumbai! I play it safer. Try and leave for office before the crazy rush starts (even if it means waiting 30 minutes till the first person comes to open the office), and return home by taking a train in the opposite direction and again board from the station where the trains originate. Atleast I get standing space in this way! Life eeej haard as you can guess !

O.k... enough of blaberring for now. Feels good to blog again! :)