Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Stool Pigeon

They say a bird in hand is worth two in a bush. Bullshit! I do not want a bird anywhere near me, and certainly not in my hands. Don't get me wrong, I love birds, especially when they are cooked properly. Just that I have a problem with pigeons.It will probably go down in history that our man Sritanu was as brave as a tiger, but he did his best to avoid pigeons in all forms,shapes and sizes.

Lest anyone think that I am scared of pigeons, let me put the fact straight. I am not scared. I am terrified, petrified, mortified by them! Especially when they sneak into a room through an open window and then struggle to find their way out,their wings flapping with that scary sound that breaks me into a cold sweat every time I hear it.

Take today morning for example. I wake up to this sound emanating right behind me.One of those blasted birds had come inside the room and was stuck in the curtains.If there was a world record for the longest jump from a supine position, I would have beaten it by miles.Only if this was an event at the Olympics, India would never have to worry about not winning medals at all.
In a split second not only was I wide awake, but standing in the other corner of the room trembling from head to toe.The flutter-flutter of those wings continue in full volume.I arm myself with a broomstick and pick up my bed sheet. A new age gladiator ready to take on the scourge of the aves.

I gingerly try and slide the window open, hoping that the blasted bird will fly away. Mistake! The window opens a bit, but the bird gets released from the curtain and starts flying frantically around the room. I manage to turn the fan off and go and hide in the bathroom.Lets call it a strategic retreat.

Once my heartbeat comes down to normal, I brace myself for the next round.Summoning all the courage I had, I peep into the room. The pigeon has nicely perched on the curtain rod looking very pleased with itself.It looks towards me and smirks. Bastard! I shake my broom towards the bird. It calmly poops on my bed.

This was war now. No holds barred. It would either be the bird or me in this room. I leave the room and go into the kitchen hunting for air rifles,bazookas, missile launchers, hand grenades,anything I can find. No luck! I settle for a steel plate and a spoon. I start hitting the plate hard with the spoon, hoping to scare the pigeon away. The damn thing starts tap dancing to the tune.

I go back to my first choice of weapons. I pick up the broom and mange to open the window a bit further,gingerly keeping a watch out in case the bird tried to attack me. It shifts a bit to tease me, but doesn't fly out. I drop the broom in disgust and just stand silently observing the evil thing. Suddenly it makes a move and flies diagonally across the room, giving me a heart attack in the process. I fall down backwards and watch my life flash in front of my eyes in slow motion.
The bird circles over my head a couple of times and suddenly flies out of the window. I am half dead by then. I stay frozen for sometime in the same position before managing to get up and close the window.I swear I hear some pigeons having a good laugh in the background. Must be my visitor regaling his friends about what happened just now. I ignore them. Maintaining a stiff upper lip is the only way to deal with these beings.


VTP said...

:D heavily relying on your posts for comic relief!..

Sritanu said...

@VTP - Thanks!

Zahra said...

You've been tagged!!

Neat post btw...I've got an entire chronicle of pigeon-chasing episodes myself :)...Waitaminit.... Methinks I got the idea for a new post!!

Deepa Garimella said...

ha ha ha!!!!!!

Zahra said...

Grrrrrrr....... WRITE!!!! Such long gaps between posts are unpardonable!!!

Err..look who's talking... oh what the heck!!! ;)

Mrinalini said...

hehehe...nice post...i like pigeons, but i understand the fear factor in ur case...i feel the same with spiders :(
Stiff upper lip is reqd in such cases :P